I'm so empty (long, sorry!)?

Hi, I didn't think I'd do this but I guess I need to put my thoughts in one place. I don't know what the point is anymore. I work for less than minimum wage at a job with great potential but I'm never noticed no matter what I do. I was abused as a child by a family member - i didnt tell anyone because i didnt want to break up my family but now i resent them for not helping and have pretty much pushed people away since, slowly pushing all of my close friends away and each and every boyfriend. I'm lonely I guess, my own fault but still. I try to alter myself to be the best I can be but it never seems to be good enough and I end up hating myself. I hate the way I look so much. At my lowest points I sit and scratch at my stomach and thighs punishing myself for being so ugly, it feels good knowing no one knows. I'm not successful at anything I do and always seem to do something wrong no matter how hard I try. I have always achieved good grades without much effort and I left school when I heard about an internship because I wanted to start being 'grown up' and start making a life of my own, i vastly underestimated how hard it'd be and now I work as an underpaid lettings agent. It's like I'm always one step away from the edge, just teetering. I definitely don't want to be here. I want purpose I've looked into volunteering but I don't think I can be much help to someone without first sorting out my problems and maybe I'm beyond help I feel empty. I'm not here looking for sympathy or even advice, I just need to vent and I'm sorry if I've wasted your time reading it. I'm sure there are so many people in much worse situations - look at japan - i feel selfish and hate myself even more. I'm at the edge of pushing my current boyfriend away he's been so patient with me but the pressure of our long distance relationship means when we do see eachother we argue sometimes and i know its getting to him - it's getting to me - i know i'm slowly pushing him away and i cant stop it its like im watching my actions out of my body i cant control whats happening and what i'm doing i just sabotage sabotage sabotage anything that makes me remotely happy. I know this is typical 'my parents hate me' and i know that they dont hate me but i think they blame a lot on me - whenever something goes missing its always my fault whenever something gets broken its always my fault i can't even do right by them and its just getting too much. I have tried to end my life twice, once when I was 13 and once when I was 17. I can't look back and think they were a dark time but i'm over it because to be honest i felt exactly as i do at the moment - so close to giving up. I have tried calling the samaritans but I couldnt bring myself to say anything - i feel so stupid and petty that these things make me want to end my life when there are people with such hardships battling through. I would love to one day be in the position of a samaritan - i think they're amazing, helping people who feel helpless find hope I would love to be in the position to be so at peace with myself that I can offer my advice to others, even just to listen to someone who like me just needs to get the tormenting thoughts out of their head. I've never spoken about any of these issues to anyone before, to this day no one knows the extent to which I was abused and i dont think i will ever have the courage to admit it. I'm ashamed, it feels like it was my fault like I gave the impression that I wanted it. It started when I was six and ended when I no longer saw that family member due to seperate family disputes, the relief was indescribable but sometimes my parents talk about him and i feel sick and shakey. I have panic attacks regularly whenever things feel like theyre getting on top of me and just too much and it takes me hours to calm down and I'm not 'normal' again for a week or so. At the moment I'm preparing for a surgical procedure and I'm panicking so much and so scared not of the operation but the aftercare - I can't not go to work for the 6 week recovery time! I can't even have a week off without risking my job :( For anyone going through similar problems please if you have more courage than me take steps to make your life better and phone the samaritans 08457909090 they are amazing people who give me slight hope there is something out there for me. I hope to find purpose some day SOON because I can not take much more. xx