Trying to contain the misery welling up inside me.?

I recognise this indescribable feeling and the feeling of being in a nightmare. Like a kind of overwhelming depression? I am not sure if that helps. That you are telling someone even if on-line that is a good thing. I know you don't want to see a doctor but is there a therapist you could talk to, they could be a support? Keep posting until you get the support that you need. Don't give up hope, things can be processed as to what has happened to you. Take care x